Sunday 11 July 2010

How to Spot a Plastic Journalist

In response to an article in Irish Independent by Darragh McManus Wednesday June 23 2010. I have devised a test to help people to distinguish between real journalism and the musings of the retarded otherwise known as Plastic Journalists.

Typically Plastic Journalists do
  1. Think that the Beano has better pictures than the Book of Kells.
  2. Call their parents ignorant to endear themselves to their new but vacuous cohort.
  3. Think that German cuisine is American as they stuff their cake hole with burgers.
  4. Look down their nose at others to cover-up their lack of social status.
  5. Divert attention from themselves by calling others drunkards.
  6. Think that place names imposed by the English on Ireland are Irish.
  7. The Fír Bolg are their friends - Heavy drinking, pot bellied, wanabe rugger buggers.
  8. When looking for an example of a drunken ugly Irishman pick an Englishman in error.
  9. Have sold themselves as debt slaves because desire is more powerful than a calculator.
  10. Slag the Irish Language because it is the exemplification of one of their many intellectual shortcomings.
  11. Think that people give Guinness to a Horse. If they did, wouldn’t we have a lot of happy horses and less hung-over journalists?
  12. Their ass is the only entity that can tell the difference between Hiberno English and Hiberno Latin and speak both.
  13. Attended school but were too disinterested to learn and therefore are reliant on prejudice rather than critical thinking.
  14. Think that a DNA Helix is a theatre of war where Eamonn Dumphy used to interrogate suspects.
  15. At journalism school they never read Finnegan’s Wake because it was too much like home work and they might be in danger of acquiring knowledge.
  16. Have such a poor grasp of history that they think that the Irish famine was caused by the failure of the potato crop.
  17. Are considering leaving the country to hide the shame of their personal failures but the blame lies with others.
  18. Slag boozy Ireland but ignore any statistics that show the Irish are not the worst boozers.
  19. Divert attention from their own begrudgery by begrudging their nation its nationhood.
  20. Denounce the merriment of St. Patrick's Day in favour of the sobriety of a Ku Klux Clan festival.
  21. Think that the song Danny Boy is about Dan Boyle’s obsession with water pipes.
  22. Worked as a wedding waiter asking people questions like Beef or Salmon and now it has got stuck in their phonological loop.
  23. Suffer from delusions of grandeur, symptomatic of inferiority complex overcompensation.
Your comments and suggestions are welcome
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