The International Lawyer Games

The games take inspiration from the Paddy Games which were founded by a lawyer. Making fun of the lower orders is one of the more noble pursuits that the pretensions classes can engage in. Egalitarianism is for wimps but not for lawyers.

The games will consist of a series of eight events closely associated with the professional activities of lawyers. The games provide a unique opportunity for lawyers from around the globe to demonstrate their undoubted intellectual prowess, for all the world to see. The games are the brain child of Sir Paddy Magoo and Lord Muckrake, whom we are eternally grateful for their patronage and sponsorship.

Ambulance chasing
Irish lawyers are world renowned for their abilities to chase ambulances therefore the race will be run on a handicap system. Irish lawyers will have to chase ambulances while wearing wellies tied to another Irish lawyer in a three legged fashion. The organisers reserve the right to apply handicap weights if during preliminary trials, Irish lawyers are still found to have an unfair advantage.

Air Ambulance Chase
We are pleased to announce that Total Bull have agreed to sponsor the Air Ambulance Chase. This is the first time in the world that lawyers will be openly able to compete for business while chasing accident victims in an aircraft flown by Dasterdly and Mutley. The organisers acknowledge that without Total Bull this event would not be possible. Please support our sponsor by believing in Total Bull - it keeps a cows happy.

King's Inns
The Kings Inns was so named in honour of King Henry VIII. The International Lawyer Games are pleased to continue the tradition of honour and celebrate the King's achievements by running a number of events.

Spouse Removal
Competitors will be set the task of figuring out how to use common law to legally murder one's spouse. The winner will receive a substantial pension, a knighthood and the right to graze sheep in Blackhall place.

Convert the Blackguard
As the word Inn means a hostelry or a tavern, people will be invited in off the street with tempted by the offer of free drink. Lawyers will then demonstrate their intellectual prowess and powers of persuasion while plying the invitees with drink. Competitors will attempt to convert the invitees to Protestantism. The winner will be the person whom in the opinion of the judges needed less drink to persuade the persuadee. Nota Bene: If invitees/blackguards are reluctant to convert, beatings and other forms of physical violence will only be allowed to take place in the back alley.

Horse Hair Wig Making
Traditionally the wigs worn by lawyers are made out of horse hair. Participants will have to shave the hair from a horses tail, make it into a wig and place it on a horse's ass of their choosing. The winner will be the person whom in the opinion of the judges makes a wig that best suits the horse's ass wearing it.

Sub Section Chase
As there is no money in clarity in the law and consequently little need for lawyers, obfuscation is the best method of creating sustainable jobs for lawyers. Readers of statute books are abundantly au fait with the subsection chase which goes as follows. A text refers the reader to see section 36, sub section 12, paragraph 5 (a), which in turn refers to section 24, sub section 2, paragraph 12 (d), which in turn refers to section 1, sub section 3, paragraph 42 (f). Participants will have to follow one particular course through the statute books following one reference at a time sequentially. At the end of the sub section chase those participants that find that the law has been repealed will be gunged. The winner is the last person to be gunged.

Eternal Mourning
Irish lawyers to this very day wear black in mourning for Queen Anne who died in 1714. Under her reign most of the penal laws were enacted. After nearly 300 years wailing Irish lawyers are therefore most deserved of their reputation as the worlds best mourners. Hence it is not possible to have participants from outside Ireland as the Irish have an unfair advantage. This event will be a display event for Irish Lawyers only. The winner will be the lawyer who in the opinion of the judges performed the best wail while simultaneously cursing the repeal of the penal laws.

Bonkers Bankers
Each lawyer will be given a residential property of equal value one week prior to the start of the games. Each competitor must seek multiple mortgages from financial institutions secured on this one property. In a game reminiscent of 'Trump This' each competitor must reveal each mortgage sequentially and try to trump the quantity and value of their rivals mortgages. The winner will be the participant that in the opinion of the judges secured the greatest number of mortgages with the greatest combined value.

We promise a most entertaining and enlightening weekend at the first International Lawyer Games we hope you can join us. Remember watch your wallet at all times.

How to Spot a Plastic Journalist

In response to an article in Irish Independent by Darragh McManus Wednesday June 23 2010. I have devised a test to help people to distinguish between real journalism and the musings of the retarded otherwise known as Plastic Journalists.

Typically Plastic Journalists do

1. Think that the Beano has better pictures than the Book of Kells.
2. Call their parents ignorant to endear themselves to their new but vacuous cohort.
3. Think that German cuisine is American as they stuff their cake hole with burgers.
4. Look down their nose at others to cover-up their lack of social status.
5. Divert attention from themselves by calling others drunkards.
6. Think that place names imposed by the English on Ireland are Irish.
7. The Fír Bolg are their friends - Heavy drinking, pot bellied, wanabe rugger buggers.
8. When looking for an example of a drunken ugly Irishman pick an Englishman in error.
9. Have sold themselves as debt slaves because desire is more powerful than a calculator.
10. Slag the Irish Language because it is the exemplification of one of their many intellectual shortcomings.
11. Think that people give Guinness to a Horse. If they did, wouldn’t we have a lot of happy horses and less hung-over journalists?
12. Their ass is the only entity that can tell the difference between Hiberno English and Hiberno Latin and speak both.
13. Attended school but were too disinterested to learn and therefore are reliant on prejudice rather than critical thinking.
14. Think that a DNA Helix is a theatre of war where Eamonn Dumphy used to interrogate suspects.
15. At journalism school they never read Finnegan’s Wake because it was too much like home work and they might be in danger of acquiring knowledge.
16. Have such a poor grasp of history that they think that the Irish famine was caused by the failure of the potato crop.
17. Are considering leaving the country to hide the shame of their personal failures but the blame lies with others.
18. Slag boozy Ireland but ignore any statistics that show the Irish are not the worst boozers.
19. Divert attention from their own begrudgery by begrudging their nation its nationhood.
20. Denounce the merriment of St. Patrick's Day in favour of the sobriety of a Ku Klux Clan festival.
21. Think that the song Danny Boy is about Dan Boyle’s obsession with water pipes.
22. Worked as a wedding waiter asking people questions like Beef or Salmon and now it has got stuck in their phonological loop.
23. Suffer from delusions of grandeur, symptomatic of inferiority complex overcompensation.

Your comments and suggestions are welcome